Until this morning, I thought Candace wasn't going to get to test with me, but Sifu was kind enough to cover the cost of her fees. It was a really nice thing for him to do, and I was really grateful that she could be there with me.
Got my yellow belt today! Candace and Abby passed their belt tests too. It was a good night.
Until this morning, I thought Candace wasn't going to get to test with me, but Sifu was kind enough to cover the cost of her fees. It was a really nice thing for him to do, and I was really grateful that she could be there with me.
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Tonight in MA I got to work with Mike. It's only the second class I've seen him in. Candace has been sick all week, so she wasn't there.
It was a bit intense. Mike gives it everything he's got. I actually admire the amount of effort he puts into it, and he gave me a few pointers that I think will help me. I need to work on my footwork, stepping forward with my back foot and not leaning forward. He also told me to breathe out as I punch, and I noticed it helped. He also helped me with my uppercuts - reminded me to make it a short, tight movement instead of a longer, slower swing. Good things to remember. But man... about halfway through the session I already felt like I really needed my inhaler. I was terribly out of breath and slightly felt like puking. I was regretting pushing myself at the beginning in order to keep up with him. I felt bad because I had to really slow down near the end, but I think it was good. I tried to at least keep up with feeding for him. In other news, I was talking to Dustin tonight. We decided to watch a movie. I wanted to watch Seeking a Friend for the End of the World again. I originally hesitated because I know sad movies tend to put him into a foul mood and SAFFTEOTW is a very sad movie, but he insisted he wanted to see it and could handle it. After the movie, he started going on about how the world could only be happy if everyone had someone to love. I said that it was possible to be happy even if you're alone. He continued to ramble about how "real love" means preferring death over being alone. I disagreed. He had the nerve to tell me that that meant I'd never felt real love. I mean really. Telling that to someone who's not only been in a relationship for the past eight years, but also telling it to someone when you have no idea what they have or haven't felt in their life. To be so full of yourself that you think you know enough to tell me what I do or don't know about love. Fuck you. And if that wasn't bad enough... I made it clear that I was mad. He said he was sorry and that he knew it was a stupid thing to say, but that "I should know he says stuff like that sometimes and shouldn't be pissed at him." Because apparently being his friend means I don't deserve to be treated with respect. I didn't give in to his pathetic apology, and told him that he had knew nothing about my love life. He replied "well you don't know anything about me at all. and don't even pretend you do. if you've felt real love, you wouldn't be pissed at me anyway because you know it isn't true." Uh huh. Because apparently insults don't exist as long as you know they're not true. Right. I can totally see how sorry you are, Dustin. You totally proved it by telling me that I don't deserve to act like I know you, telling me how I should feel, acting like you know everything and do nothing wrong, and belittling my relationship. I'm not mad because I'm insecure about my feelings. I'm mad because you're acting like a fucking douche to me. Friends don't tell say these kinds of things to each other. Friends don't treat friends like this. Why would I want to be your friend if you just want to treat me like shit and say "whatever, that's just what I do." Fuck you. Why should I waste my time trying to make you feel better if you just enjoy making me feel like shit. I don't need you. I hadn't bothered to write about martial arts last Thursday, but it was mostly uneventful. Candace has said she'd be there to work with me, but didn't show. I ended up working with this other girl, Brianna, who hit really hard and almost punched me a couple times. I was worried about why Candace wasn't there, but I tried to stay optimistic.
So today I had another class, and Candace was there. She saw me through the glass front of the studio and waved excitedly. When I met up with her inside, she immediately apologized for not being there on Thursday. She had to help her mother move in somewhere, and was too sore to go to class. Then she told me how a guy in the class that she used to partner with has wanted to work with her tonight, but she said she had a "permanent partner" now - referring to me. Training was fine. After class was over, we exchanged numbers so we could keep in touch. :) A little while after class had ended, she texted me, saying "Hello, love. You get home okay?" and we chatted a bit before she said goodnight. And I just... I DUNNO. I... kind of like her. As in, LIKE her like her. It's weird, and strange. I dunno. She just... keeps surprising me with everything she says and does. I find her intriguing. I feel a bit silly. I barely know her, and she is twice my age. But she looks young and attractive to me. I've already had sexual thoughts of her cross my mind. She had joked about how it's been 6 months since she's had sex and her legs aren't used to stretching apart. I had laughed, but I'm almost ashamed to think of what ran through my head. I had images in my head of offering her a massage. Soothing her sore legs. Rubbing along her thighs... GAH. I really just want a friend. I'm not really looking to get involved with a girl at this point, but I can't help it. When my head starts thinking of those things.. when I see her catch my eye and grin.. I feel my heart swoon. I would make it stop if I could. For now, I will have to keep reminding myself that I am only interested in a friendship. I have to control myself. This is ridiculous. I think I made a friend today!
I got to the MA studio, and people from my class were waiting around outside. I saw Cliff was there again... I knew it was very possible that I'd end up with him again. Instead of dreading it though.. I felt oddly relaxed. Like, I was able to remind myself that even if I had to work with him again, I knew it wasn't the end of the world, and that I could at least make the best of it. After class started , I took a spot next to Cliff. He saw me and said hi, and I said hi back. I was pretty sure at that point I was going to work with him - but much to my surprise, I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned to see a girl standing there, and she asked if I wanted to partner with her. She said she was tired of working with guys who hit too hard. I was happy to work with her. Her name is Candace. She looks like a "tough" girl, wearing a bandana on her head and covered in tattoos. We talked quite a bit as we trained, and I found it easy to get along with her. She's in her early 40's, but looks like she could be the same age as me. We talked about why we wanted to train, jobs, her kid, and our mothers. She got into MA to learn self defense. She said a lot of people have tried to mess with her. A girl called her a name the other day, and she punched the girl in the nose, lol. Later she mentioned that she lives with her mother-in-law, and she hates her, so she pictures her mother-in-law on the focus mitts as she trains. I chuckled and said "That's okay, I live with my mother and I hate her, so I do the same thing." She was like "Aww, that sucks." She said her mother just got into rehab for alcoholism. She said she doesn't work because nobody will hire her due to her tattoos. She wants to go to school to study nursing. She's a smoker and said she wants to quit. She has a daughter named Abby; she even said she almost named her Hannah. Even aside from the conversation, the training was good. She helped me, and I helped her. When we were practicing kicks, I pushed her back a little bit and she joked, "Remind me to never piss you off!" After class I asked her what days she usually comes, and she said Mon. & Wed. I told her I usually come on Mon. & Thurs., and she said she would come on those days too and work with me. There's always a chance that she might not follow through with what she said, but.. I'm pretty hopeful. <3 Today was okay. I was relieved to see that Cliff did not attend the class tonight, so there was no chance I'd get stuck with him. Mike wasn't there though, and I was kind of hoping to work with him.
Tonight's class was very small. Thursdays are usually busy days, but today there were only about 8-10 people. Today we went over: Bobbing again Cross, hook, jab Roundhouse (with front leg, point rear toe outward/back) Pendulum roundhouse (slide rear leg forward, point toe outward/back, swing front leg up) Tonight I worked with Joey. Looked about 14, shaggy hair, braces, with a constantly bored expression. I think he smiled once for about half a second. He also mumbled a lot, which was difficult to hear over the loud music. He said he'd been doing MA for about a month. Tonight wasn't bad. Wasn't great, but wasn't bad. I wouldn't mind if I had to work with Joey again, but he wouldn't be the ideal training partner to me. Today's MA class made me sad...
I got picked last. Had to work with a 12 year old girl half the time, who generally knew more than me. The trainer forgot about working with me partway through. I wanted to make friends, but no one wants to talk to me. I cried on the drive home. Today I learned: - Forehand (with front hand, make half an "X", from up-left to low-right, palm up) - Backhand (same as forehand, but "X" from up-right to low-left, palm down) - Breathe in through nose, out through mouth - Roundhouse kick (point forward toe out, bring leg out to the side, hit with top of foot, swing body with leg) - When bobbing to dodge, push body into hit as you come back up Tonight was my second day of martial arts. It was okay I guess, but... significantly different from Monday.
I figured I wouldn't get to work with Niel today, so as soon as class started, I was looking for someone to train with. Luckily, Mike, the guy who signed up for classes the same night I did, was there too. I offered to partner with him, and he said he would. Unfortunately, as soon as we were about to start training, Niel said he was going to work with Mike. So I was stuck looking for someone else - a feeling not dissimilar to being picked last for a sports team. There was a guy standing off by himself, so taking the initiative, I walked over and asked if he needed a partner. He did, and I said I would work with him. Also unfortunately, as soon as I got within ten feet of this guy, I realized he had the WORST body odor I've ever smelled. Before we even started training. It was foul. Cliff was his name. A big, sweaty guy... but he was nice and friendly enough, and he seemed to mean well. But... I don't know if he was maybe a little mentally challenged, or if he was just really rusty on the drills, but I felt like I spent half the class teaching him how to do things. And I barely even know anything myself. We went so slowly and the teachers had to help us so many times that I barely started breathing hard throughout the class. (Vastly different compared to Monday, when I was working so hard that I felt like I was going to puke.) This was also the first time I was a receiver, and I think that also had something to do with being less tired by the end. But man... He smelled so bad... I felt like his stench clung to me even after I left. I couldn't get the smell out of my nose the rest of the night, even after taking a shower. It was terrible. I hope to god I don't have to work with him again. I will have to consider switching nights if I have to. I talked to Mike after class ended, and said that I'd partner with him next week if he's there, but he only has class once a week, and it may not always be on Thursdays. So I dunno what I'm going to do. I'm not sure who will be working with me on Monday either. I'll find out I guess. Just not Cliff, pleeeeeeease. ;-; Tonight was my first official martial arts class.
I got there a few minutes early, and the children's class hadn't let out yet. Some people from my class were standing outside. I have to say, I was a little intimidated by my first impression of them. Almost all of them were big guys, black or hispanic, at least a foot taller than me, and covered in tattoos. Not exactly my comfort zone. There was one smaller guy there, but he already had a yellow belt. Eventually a girl came up, and she also had a yellow belt. Nobody spoke to me while we waited (most of them weren't talking at all) until we went into class. We pretty much dived right into it - check in with your ID card, then find a blue spot on the floor. I told Simo about my asthma inhaler, and she partnered me up with Niel - a brown belt who had been there the night I had my introductory class. I guess he was there to help out. Simo told him about my inhaler and he was my training partner for most of the night. He was very nice and helpful. He was very understanding when I made mistakes in the routines, and told me how to improve as I went. Everyone else was switching roles with their partners, but tonight I was the attacker and Niel was the defender. We did a number of combinations of attacks that I still have a hard time getting straight. It was a little difficult to keep up, but Niel was patient with me, thankfully. Mostly it was: Jab (front straight punch) Cross (rear straight punch) Hook (front side punch) Cross hook (rear side punch) Elbow jab? (cover face with front hand; bring rear elbow up in the air, slash it downward while twisting the body; keep hand against chest palm outward) Elbow cross? (cover face with rear hand; bring front elbow horizontal across to the side while twisting body; keep hand against chest palm outward) Front & rear uppercut (keep arm straight, hand in front of elbow, palm toward myself, punch directly up while pushing with leg) Kick (straightforward rear leg kick) Knee (grab opponent's shoulders, knee to the stomach) Advance and jab (hop forward and punch) Double advance and jab (hop twice and punch) Retreat (hop backward, cover face) Punch parry [don't remember the actual name] (cross hands at reference point, grab opponent's elbow with rear hand, push it to their stomach using body weight at a 45 degree angle, punch face with front hand) At the end of class, we received our white belts. We learned the ending bow (right foot forward/right hand fist to left hand palm, left foot forward/present hands forward, left foot back/roll hands forward and down underneath arms, right foot back together/pull fists to each side of chest and bow) and how to tie our belts. Overall, the class was pretty intense. By the end of it, I was having a little trouble breathing, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I was okay though, once I used my inhaler. My hands are red and my elbows are scraped up, I can already feel my back muscles getting sore, but it was good. It will be a good workout, and everyone in class seemed nice. During the drills, I had met two more people - Claudia was the yellow belt girl, and Jordan was a fellow newbie with beads in his hair. I didn't feel like I got to connect with people as much in this class as I did in the smaller introductory class I had, but I'm hoping I will still get to know some people better as time goes on. I was a little disappointed that Sifu wasn't actually working with us at all tonight, but I guess maybe the teachers switch off every once in a while or something. I dunno. I am exhausted, and my elbows hurt. But I am still happy that I signed up for this class. The past couple days have been bad...
My last gerbil died on Wednesday. I hadn't been all that distressed over it when the first one had died, but having both gone has made me really upset. I spent most of the day crying. After all, the gerbils weren't just little pets to me... They were the first pets that I ever owned completely by myself. They were not "family pets", they were mine. They were a remnant from the time I spent getting to know Christina when I lived at Northgate... We spent hours bonding over gerbils. We raised the gerbil pups together, and were both saddened when many of the pups didn't make it. I loved to watch my gerbils play. It was nice to have little animals in my life while I was at college. I would let them run all over my hands and legs. Pikachu was so aptly named for his crooked tail. Lolita was the sweeter of the two. Having gerbils may not have been as meaningful as bonding with a cat or dog, but they were special to me. They were a symbol of my independence and responsibility. My mother swore to me that I shouldn't own them... That I would certainly end up with gerbil babies the way Christina did, or that the gerbils would always be escaping or causing a mess. That they would get eaten by my cat. None of that happened, and I made myself proud being able to prove my mom wrong. My mom had prepared Lolita for burial when she had died, but I took care of Pikachu this time. I stroked his fur a few last times before putting him in a box... A couple days ago, I fell behind on doing the dishes because I had been busy with other things. Naturally, the sink got rather full, as it tends to do. My parents yelled at me about it Tuesday night, but I told them I would clean it up the next day. Mom and I found Pikachu dead the next morning. My mother thought it was appropriate to lecture me about cleaning the kitchen as I stood there preparing the box to bury my gerbil in. After we buried him, I went to my room to cry for a while. I had to leave for therapy shortly after. I didn't get home until 3:30, and the dishes still needed to be cleaned. I needed to make lunch because I hadn't eaten all day, and I said I would take care of the dishes after eating, but mom yelled at me for it anyway. She threatened to start charging me rent to live at home. I finished eating and did a load of dishes, just like I said I would. There was still another load of dishes left to do though... The next morning, I had hardly woken up and rolled out of bed before mom was yelling and demanding to know why the dishes weren't done yet. Going on and on about how she "shouldn't have to live with a dirty kitchen." She yelled about how she wants to start charging me rent again, and threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't do my "job." I asked her what that would do to solve the problem, and she said "It would make me feel better about cleaning up after everyone's mess." Riiiight. As if she has never tried to do everything she possibly can just to get out of doing chores. Hiring a house maid? Paying people to mow the lawn? Buying a Roomba? Hm? I haven't been sleeping well... Maybe 4-6 hours a night, but not comfortable sleep. I wake up feeling like crap. I have felt nauseous pretty much constantly for the past three days. I can barely eat or even think about food without feeling like I'll puke. I think it's my nerves causing all this, but I'm not sure... The past week or two, I have been absolutely terrified because... I fear I may be pregnant. It is not uncommon for my period to be late, but this is the first time it has been late since I started having sex, and it is later than usual... It's now been a week and a half since I was supposed to get my period, and still nothing. For a while I tried to avoid telling Kevin because I didn't want to worry him unnecessarily... We are always so cautious, we have used protection, and nothing has ever seemed to go wrong. The chances that I am pregnant ought to be slim at best, but I still cannot stop myself from freaking out. Eventually, I had to talk to Kevin about my fears, because keeping it hidden was only making my anxiety worse. He has been only a tiny bit nervous about it, but I think he is either more nervous than he lets on, or the reality of the situation hasn't quite hit him at this point. I took a pregnancy test for the first time in my life. After my first night of barely being able to sleep, I felt like it would reassure me that everything was fine. The tests came three in a box. I messed up the first one, and the second one came out negative. It reassured me for a couple days, but I'm starting to freak out again. What if it was only negative because I tested too early? What if the sickness I've been feeling is an early symptom of pregnancy instead of anxiety? If I still don't have my period after two weeks, I am going to use the third test and try again... This week has felt like one of the longest weeks of my life. So, after the death of my gerbil, fighting with my mom, and my fears about being pregnant (possibly), feeling sick, and barely sleeping... By this afternoon, I was pretty much a wreck. Kevin has been busy with his classes, but I really needed to see him... I wanted a hug and someone to comfort me than anything at that moment... Kevin had a couple hours between classes, though he needed to work on an assignment and eat dinner. I said I would hang out with him at his house while he worked... I just wanted to be with him... I tried to keep my composure... His dad was home, and his mom came home later too. I didn't want them to see me that way, but... as soon as Kevin took me into a hug, I lost it... I was sobbing, and he was holding me... It took me a while before I could speak to say what was wrong with me... I told him about my mom yelling at me, about how she makes me feel like I'm useless and that she doesn't want me around... I told him I was still upset about my gerbils... I told him I was still scared about my period being late... How I've felt sick and can't sleep... He held me and comforted me... Told me it would be okay.. that my mom was exaggerating and that I didn't deserve to be treated that way.. that he was sorry about my gerbils and that he knew I gave them a long and happy life... that it was my nerves making me sick, and that even if I did get pregnant, I shouldn't worry about it because we could get through it... He told me everything I needed to hear, and meant it... He was there to hold me when I felt alone and unloved... Without having to say anything to him, he knew to distract his dad from talking to me because he knew I wouldn't want to be seen crying... I got myself to stop crying and left him alone to do his work... I laid on his bed, trying to calm myself down, and feeling comforted by his room, his presence, and the way his pillows smelled like him... When he finished his work, he laid on the bed with me, and I curled up into his side the way I always do... We laid that way for a while, and I think I even fell asleep for a few minutes... When I woke up and realized that he needed to get up and make dinner for himself, I felt a bit better. Being with him helped me to settle down and feel like maybe everything would be okay, and that I'm not alone. It would have been nicer if I could have spent the rest of the evening with him, but I appreciated it all the same. Kevin left for class and I went back home for a while. I had my introductory martial arts class tonight, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I had been considering going into martial arts for the past week or two, and I had gotten the courage to make an appointment for a free class to find out more about the program, but I was nervous. I know nothing about martial arts, and have never even considered myself to be someone who would get involved in it, but I thought I would give it a try. I need to meet people, make friends, get exercise, gain confidence, and get out of this house on a regular basis. I was super nervous about going, but I tried to keep repeating to myself Andrea's advice: what's the worst that could happen? I arrived a little early to the martial arts studio. There was another class finishing up, and I sat in my car and watched through the front window for a while. The studio is a somewhat small space; one big open room, a sitting area, and a desk. The front wall is all glass. As I sat watching, I could feel a part of myself trying to convince me to leave, but I was determined to go through with it. I went into the studio and waited for the other class to finish. There were two guys there with me tonight for the free class as well. After going over our names, what we expected out of the classes, and other information, we learned to bow and say "hello/goodbye sir/ma'am" as we enter or leave the studio, and then got right into it. We stood in the main room and were first taught our fighting stance: starting with the right foot, take two steps forward, turn 45 degrees, and put your fists up by your chin, elbows in. Don't forget to breathe, and keep your knees bent. We learned a jab: straight forward punching using the outward arm (from your stance). The cross: a straight punch from the inside arm. The hook: a punch from the side using the outward arm. Groin kick: square toes (point toes forward), lift bent leg, kick groin with TOP of foot (not toes). Head block: grab side of head with hand, elbow toward neck, chin down. Punch with a vertical fist, not horizontal. We did a few practice runs of these techniques. It went a little fast for me sometimes, but the teachers and helpers working with us were all very nice, understanding, and encouraging. I messed up sometimes, but it was okay. I worked to fix it, and I felt my confidence rising. It felt good to hit things. As Sifu would tell me, "Don't be afraid to get angry with it!" We did one 30-second run combining all of the techniques, and by the end of it all three of us were already breathing hard. They gave us water, then we all sat down to talk about the programs they offer at the school. It was more expensive than I would have liked it to be... One of the two guys with me decided not to join. I signed up for a two-nights-per-week course. They were kind enough to knock off $100 from the down payment and we got a free uniform for signing up tonight, which was decent. It is a 6-month program. Belt tests will be $50, and it takes about 3 years to make it up to black. On top of the class cost, I will probably end up getting some hand pads and gloves, as well as maybe an extra shirt or two, which will add on another $75 or so to the cost, but having the equipment would let me train at home if I wanted to. I think it will be good. I felt pretty good about myself after leaving the studio. Happier and more confident. But I have to say, probably the best part about it was really just getting to interact with some new people. I have felt so trapped... The only people I have spoken to in person for like the past year have only been my family and Kevin and his family, and my therapist. My friends don't visit, and I don't really get to see anyone else. It felt good to meet new people again. I hope that maybe I can make a friend in my classes at the school. We'll see. I have not told my parents about the martial arts classes yet. Until tonight, I wasn't entirely sure I was going to join the class, and I really didn't want my parents to talk me out of it. My mom always seems to think that she knows better than me and tells me what I ought to be doing instead, but not this time. This has been my decision, and I am going to do it. I don't care what she has to say about it. It would be nice if my parents wanted to help me with the payments, but I am prepared to pay for it all on my own if I have to. Kevin is happy for me, and my therapist thinks it will be good for me, and I do too. That is all that matters. Now that my adrenaline from fighting has gone down, I'm still not entirely happy. It's almost 5:30 AM and I have not slept. But I have to try to convince myself that I will be okay. I have found an activity that will enrich my life. If I am not pregnant, I will be okay. If I am pregnant, I will be okay. My gerbils are no longer suffering. My parents can never forcibly take money from me again. Even if I got kicked out, I have a place to go. It will be okay. I will be okay. While it can get rough, I can make it through. It will not be the end of the world. I will be okay. |
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